Boundaries vs. Barriers
WHAT YOU ARE, YOUR CHARACTER and YOUR HAPPINESS is not about your namesake, what you have or what you think. It is all about your choices.
Once you allow yourself to be open to being reasonable and willing to compromise (not controlling and manipulating others OR enabling others to control and manipulate you); you will then free your heart, soul and mind.
You also have to agree to figure out the root of your unhappiness or dissatisfaction.
Then you will be able to love.
You will begin to feel a wonderful new feeling wondering why you waited so long to unlock the door.
You will not be afraid but excited to meet new people and go new places because you will not be hiding behind veils of lies and will not be fearful people will manipulate and deceive you. You have a sense of freedom because you are able to do the positive things YOU want to do without being fearful of any criticism or punishment.
It is truly beautiful which is why millions fight for their freedom everyday.
I realized many of these lessons many years ago:
As young adult of 27 years old, after talking to my law school professor who was the head of the Trusts and Estates Department at a major bank and the Judge I clerked for; I was advised and realized that I was going to have to sue my parents, sister and my parents’ Trusts and Estates Lawyer because they had been using my social security number in a way that prevented me from filing my own tax returns. They used this to control me and refused to be reasonable so I had to fight for my freedom.
I could have gone along with what they were doing like my sister did. The last time I talked to my sister was about 30 years ago. I clearly remember, we were standing in the showroom of my father’s business and before I walked out I asked her to please join me in fighting this control and abuse so we can freely make the choices in life that we want to make. She said no.
Well, I had a problem.
I did not have the strength to do what I needed to do which was to sue my parents, sister and their lawyer.
I was recently married and my ex-husband was truly wonderful and very supportive at that time as he was for about 20 years.
He suggested that I have therapy with the head of the Jewish Big Brother and Big Sister league in our community; whom he had therapy with after his parents divorced.(although he prevents our children from having therapy after our divorce).
This brilliant and very kind therapist told me to read the book “The Chosen” By Chaim Potok because my parents were treating me the way the main character in the book was being treated by his parents. They were controlling, narcissistic and criticized him and were very demeaning when he had new positive ideas and wanted to try new positive things. They did not want him to be an individual; only part of their collective group. The book was very difficult for me to read and brought out a lot of pain.
I remember mentioning this to my mother-in-law and she told me to stop reading the book which is very telling about her character. She apparently just sweeps her problems under the rug and is consequently, as expected for people who do this; wrought with a lot of pain and shame because today as court records and documents show; she is helping my ex-husband,( her son) conceal important financial information related to our fraudulent divorce. She received a $55,000 payment for a “loan” after he claimed he was insolvent and refuses to discuss this.
*** In addition, she knows I am a wonderful Mother but she will not try to help her son realize the harm he is causing with this parental alienation. She will not objectively or reasonably look at the situation and help her son get the help he needs and help me rectify my divorce.
She is not alone because many people unfortunately do not want to face their problems. Their problems just get worse and worse, causing them to feel more and more miserable and full of shame for the things they have done.
When I finally developed the strength to sue my parents, sister and their lawyer; all my relatives that I knew growing up alienated me.
Despite knowing the evidence which eventually was used to change the “kiddie trust” laws; they told me I was terrible and made up lies and stories about me because I was not doing what my parents demanded eventhough what they were demanding was clearly wrong and immoral.
*** I was acting as a reasonable, independent young woman and not part of an evil, controlling collective group called MY FAMILY.
I was disowned by my entire family but; I STOOD STRONG AND PROUD, knowing that what I was doing was reasonable, moral and just.
I had a group of cousins I never knew who my father was in business with when I was a young child. They had a disagreement over some corrupt things my father did and instead of holding him accountable to rectify the harms he caused; they just threw him out of the business. This taught me an important lesson which is people must be held ACCOUNTABLE to repair the harms they have caused (teshuva in Judaism) or they will just be “empowered” because they were able to get way with their corrupt acts.
Anyway, I became acquainted with these long lost cousins for many years. However, when I asked them, as I was advised to do professionally, to please call my children and stay in touch with them and also try to help my ex-husband realize the harm he is causing with the parental alienation; they did not want to get involved.
They responded with very thoughtless and unreasonable comments like “well you can’t move city hall,” and “I called them once.”
As you can imagine, this really upset me I had to make some important choices. I could not be honest with myself by associating with them since my children and I were suffering and they refused to help.
I lost so much respect for them.
I told them that when they were ready to help me help my children then I would associate with them; until that time I will not.
***Again, I stood strong and proud knowing that people who refuse to help precious children and their loving mother are not the type of people I want to spend my time with.
I also learned another important lesson. People who don’t want to develop the courage and understanding to help become better people themselves are not going to help you in a time of need; even if what you are asking is for them to make periodic phone calls, emails or text messages from the comfort of their home to help your children.
I also had a cousin who told me I did not know her well enough to ask her to help me and my children. But Dr. Phil and others who I met after my divorce have been so gracious and understanding trying to not only help my children but; help me help millions like them.
***Some keep checking in with me as they know bringing out the truth about parental alienation is very important but also a challenging project. To me, these are kind, empathic, reasonable people who are worth spending time with.
***So my point of all this is to say that you have the power to choose your own ideology and make the life you want for yourself with the people you want in your life.
***But beware if you sweep your problems under the rug because they will continue to resurface though out your life in the form of shame for your behavior, lack of self-confidence, pain, corruption and other abuses.
I took ownership of my problem with my parents and then again my problem with my ex-husband which I am in the midst of resolving. I am resolving the fraudulent divorce and the parental alienation which are related.
I came to terms a long time ago that my mother, father and sister never knew how to love and just love to control and do not like those with independent thoughts. I also confirmed this more recently too. I am not angry but I will not allow them to treat me with disrespect or try to control me. Therefore, I do not associate with them; these are my BOUNDARIES.
*** It is reasonable to set boundaries to protect yourself. However, it is not reasonable to set boundaries which are really barriers allowing yourself to be fearful of others so that you are afraid to use your key to unlock the door to a life of new, positive, fun opportunities with new, fun, kind, compassionate people who you can grow together with in many ways in a world of freedom; where you are no longer afraid to express your true feeling and do what YOU want to do.
Setting reasonable boundaries is important, but make sure you don’t close yourself off to a world of fun and interesting opportunities with interesting, kind, honest people.
-By Sara Hassman, Parental Alienation Solutions, Founder; www.PAlienation.org