LEARNING TO LOVE & TRUST AGAIN Clarification
When someone tells you they now understand, have changed and are willing to help you, you MUST test them if you want to avoid being part of a selfish love or selfish relationship.
You want to test them if you have any self-respect and know what you want in a relationship.
For example, I know I am capable being on my own, although finding the RIGHT person where we could both enrich each other’s life would be beautiful, but it must be real. As you know, there are many people out there looking to play games, looking for arm candy and other things I have too much self-respect to even contemplate becoming a part of. (btw, you can develop self-respect by gaining more self-confidence with books, videos etc).
Know what YOU want and what you are willing to tolerate so when the right person comes along, you will know. Since the world is comprised of many pretenders, actors, liars, deceivers etc. it is best to test their true intentions before embarking too far in a relationship.
The brilliant Judge I clerked from, my wonderful, wise Grandfather and some others taught me how to reveal someone’s true intentions.
First, someone who lies or tries to deceive you, does not have any respect for you (or themselves either) and commonly has a habit of using people and not being kind. Take their behavior as a prelude to what is to come since this is their pattern of behavior. Don’t expect them to change their habits.
What you are seeing is what you will get.
Unless you want to be treated in this disrespectful, deceiving way, why even THINK about getting into a relationship with someone who chooses to communicate with lies and misleading statements instead of being truthful and honest?
Also, do not even think about excluding anyone from this evaluation; everyone is expected to be truthful and honest to you and treat you with respect so just test their intention.
I even know several rabbis, who lie and deceive and do not care that their actions have caused harm since they have never admitted the lies nor repaired the harms. This is disgraceful, but it shows my point.
THE TEST- If someone tells you they have changed and in my case, are now willing to help my children by making phone calls and doing other things to end the parental alienation (that they weren’t willing to do before, so I stopped communicating with them), then flatter them with the truth, never lie.
Flattery will either get you everywhere or nowhere.
First, everyone loves to be complimented.
Second, if they are now telling you they have changed and want to “begin again,” use words and photographs which appear to indicate they have changed and respond positively to your questions and concerns, then start to flatter them. Tell them some of the wonderful things you admire about them; even if this is from a professional standpoint. Let them know you admire them.
Third, now comes the interesting part. They will either:
1-Get nervous and back off and try to change the subject
2-Will embrace your flattery and return the compliments
If they try to change the subject, you know they have some ulterior motive and are really not interested in an honest, sincere relationship. You can test them again by asking them not to change the subject, but unless they answer your question on point, know that they are trying to play with your emotions, which is a very mean, uncaring, uncompassionate thing to do. Why would you ever want to waste your time with someone like this?
However, if they begin to flatter you then you may have found a sincere, honest, kind person who can enrich your life and you can also enrich theirs. This is great so far.
Now, you are ready for the final part of the test:
They MUST put their words into action. If they do not back their compliments or intentions up with behaviors, their words are meaningless and again they are just playing with your emotions.
Do they want to meet for coffee or take you to dinner or do they just want to communicate in cyberspace? Did they bring you back a present from their business trip? Did they call just to see how your day was going? Are they proud to be with you and want to show you off to their friends or do they want to keep you a “secret?”
These are unambiguous guidelines I have used and they have not failed. So give it a try and be very grateful even if the results show the person was just playing with your emotions. This way you know to move on and not waste anymore of your time.
Know that there is someone better out there waiting to meet you who will appreciate how special you are and make you feel that way too. This will also create a loving feeling within you and so you will begin to love and trust again and learn to do this together. This is beautiful.
Have you ever felt an inner peace? When I am with someone who truly enriches me and we complement each other, I have a serene, inner peace.
Someone once explained to me that our bodies naturally gravitate toward this inner peace. However, if we are not in control of our emotions and let others control us, we will find that sometimes we feel lethargic and other times we feel hyper and have nervous energy. The area where we feel this tranquility and inner peace is in the middle of these two opposite points.
Thus, this could serve as an additional test for you in determining if someone even has the potential to be your partner. If they make you feel nervous or lethargic and not at peace with yourself, then look into this. Can you pinpoint the source and can it be corrected?
In sum, I think James Brown’s song “I feel good.” describes what it should feel like when you are in love or have the potential to be in love with someone. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgDrJ5Z2rKw
You do not want to be on an emotional rollercoaster with a person who really does not care about you and is using you for something; this is selfish love.
Have enough self-respect to let this go immediately and don’t look back. Instead, keep moving forward doing positive, fun things with kind, respectful people. When the right person comes along, you will be ready to learn to love and trust again; together.
-by Sara Hassman, Parental Alienation Solutions, www.PAlienation.org