Describing the Emotional Pain of An Alienating Parent and Why they are Sick.
When a person is in emotional pain, especially for many years, and they don’t try to figure out why so they can end it; they can become an alienating father (mother) or just a miserable person who harms others; often women and children because they are generally weaker and easier to harm.
As many philosophers, psychologists and others have found; when a person has done many harmful things in their life, deep down they really are ashamed of themselves.
If they don’t try to end this detrimental behavior they will have these “shame attacks” about every 5 years or so and become very bitter, angry and very, very harmful.
Some people call this a “midlife crises,” but it is much more. It is like a tipping point where it becomes more dramatic and more frequent as a person ages and they continue with their terror.
There is another side to these “shame attacks” too. Some alienating fathers (mothers) were rejected as children and never got over it so they want others to SHARE THEIR PAIN so they MAKE OTHERS FEEL REJECTED TOO.
(I know my ex-husband, after his parents divorced, did not have a relationship with his father for many years and then it was just a distant one. Maybe he wants our children to feel his pain and he is also afraid of being alone again, which can account for his need to control).
Some people, including parents, will only be nice to you if they can control you. This is not a healthy relationship. But, some alienating parents and others who were rejected by their parents are AFRAID OF BEING ALONE and feel a need to be part of a group. This is also why some people have to always be in a relationship and cannot exist on their own without a partner.
Alienating parents and those like them commonly believe that if they control others and FORCE them to do things; they will never be alone because they have their “group of pawns or slaves.” So, if you have INDEPENDENT thoughts that are different from their thoughts; they will alienate you because you THREATEN their “little group” and they don’t want their group to support you and leave them alone. This thought terrorizes them.
***They don’t realize that if they were reasonable, respectful, kind, and honest and had compassion for others; they would always be surrounded by people. If they learned how to be collaborative and open to new ideas, they would realize that is no need to try to control others because again, most people like to be with those who they can express their true feeling without feeling they will be ridiculed if someone disagrees.
When people disagree, this is when there can be great conversations and everyone can learn a lot.
However, many alienating parents and those like them only feel comfortable if they are in control and everyone is forced to believe what they say, so they can feel important and needed.
Remember, alienating parents and those like them long for approval from their parent or parents who alienated them.
They have a strong desire to be needed all the time and be the best because they NEVER RECEIVED THIS ATTENTION from their own parent or parents. They are really emotionally immature adults who never grew up knowing that they are perfectly fine without the approval of their parents.
****** I hope any alienated children reading this know that they have a great foundation and can develop their own ideology and also that their loving Mother (father) is there for them when they want to contact her. There is no need to try to control others or be afraid to be alone, reading, writing, exercising and doing other fun and important things. But also, don’t prevent yourself from meeting new people and doing new, fun, positive things together.
***Alienating parents and those like them never developed their own independent ideology that they were proud of for doing themselves. This is what I was forced to do when I had to sue my parents.
They just go with the crowd so they can be “accepted.” Remember, they long for approval that they never received from their parent.
*** An emotionally mature, independent adult realizes that they DO NOT NEED OTHER’S APPROVAL because they are reasonable, objective and have good values.
***This gives you peace of mind and you do not need to have the approval of others because you have CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF and you know you have good values and character. This gives you peace of mind.
***You also do not need to be part of a collective group or cult or religion or other type of group that does harmful things so you can feel needed. It is not reasonable to be part of this type of group but; if you realize the root of your problem is that you crave the attention and approval of a lost parent then you understand that you are capable on your own to develop your own positive ideology.
***You don’t need to belong to a group that carries out negative acts. You are much better off without them and on your own.
Alienating parents and those like them commonly don’t understand how blending each others’ skills and talents where everyone has an equal voice is very productive and positive. They don’t really work with others; they control others and hire people who will allow themselves to be controlled.
Again, alienating parents and those like them do not want someone with an INDEPENDENT mind because this threatens their control and power. They don’t realize how they can be enriched because they try to portray themselves as a king or queen who knows everything.
Deep down they are just a sad, child who misses his mother or father and has a great need for approval and feeling important. If he or she can ever realize this and then understand he is quite capable of developing his OWN ideology and just to make himself proud of himself; then he will no longer have a need to control others. He or she will be very content doing many positive things with others as they become enriched together and have fun too.
When people act like terrorists, like alienating parents and those who aid them; they commonly are so sick with pain that they want others to feel their pain instead of going to get the help they need so they can get rid of their pain.
So, don’t ever expect them to change. Just keep doing things to make YOURSELF THE BEST PERSON YOU CAN BE.
-By Sara Hassman, Parental Alienation Solutions, Founder; www.PAlienation.org