Diplomacy; Is it for real or just another political move?
When a person who has committed acts of parental alienation or has aided another in this form of child abuse, trying to amicably end the parental alienation and get the children and others the help they need can be very dicey.
To begin, as many doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists and other professions have proven; the individuals who create and aid in this child abuse called parental alienation have narcissistic tendencies, often have sociopathic tendencies as well as other personality disorders. In other words, it is their normal behavior to lie, cheat, scheme and bully to get their way and then to make matter worse; they are incapable of any empathy.
***Basically, do not be a fool by trusting anything they say or do as they will change on a dime if this suits their own needs as they think; excuse the expression, “to hell with you.” This is why they have been capable in the first place of destroying or helping to destroy the loving, sacred parent/child bond. I know this is cold and disturbing but as soon as you can understand this truth, you will be able to protect yourself and also help your children more effectively.
Diplomacy is the art and practice of conducting negotiations between representatives of groups or states… with regard to issues of peace-making, trade, war, economics, culture, environment, and human rights. In an informal or social sense, diplomacy is the employment of tact to gain strategic advantage or to find mutually acceptable solutions to a common challenge, one set of tools being the phrasing of statements in a non-confrontational, or polite manner. (Wikipedia)
I want to share with you some very effective techniques I have learned not only in law school and working for the very wise and ethical Judge who changed the lives of many, making this world a better place; but this is a lesson I have learned by facing my own challenges in life.
1-In any type of negotiations, to be successful in your diplomacy, you must understand your opponent. In other words, you must know what your opponent wants, wants to protect, and would be willing to compromise while you hold the leverage over his head like a hammer, willing to use it.
2-This is another key; you must have courage to stand up for your values and not buckle. If they don’t give you what you reasonably think you deserve and is fair, then you must be willing to go to their supervisor or someone who has authority over them, and keep climbing the ladder until you get a resolution. You will clearly see if this abuser is acting alone or is surrounded by accomplices who enable him to carry out this abuse. Is he working with an Evil Team or as a Lone Ranger? If the former, then all of those can be liable for the harms too.
Keep your proof of all the emails and other contacts you have made with all of these people so they cannot claim ignorance.
If these people have job titles or licenses, they usually have duties or responsibilities that go along with these titles or licenses. If they fail to carry out these duties they can lose their titles and licenses and possibly have to find a new profession and pay heavy fines and restitution too.
They know this so hopefully a kind reminder will bring a quick, just resolution but don’t expect it. These type of sick (not bad) people often think they are so powerful that they can control you as they hide behind their titles, prestigious schools, and accomplishments and use their alliances with other successful people to intimidate. Just stay strong and hold firm as the truth is on your side and they know this too. Deep down, these abusers are very weak as they are very sick people.
3-Also, ascertain the organization’s public relations procedures and compliance programs. This has been a very highly litigated area recently with all of the banks and their mortgage refinance and foreclosure procedures so any credible organization; especially a multi-national one, should have a very detailed program in place with specific guidelines to follow. They know this too so; if they are violating reasonable public relations or compliance program guidelines, expect a Judge to come down very hard on them.
4-Also, know of others they have bullied, harassed and treated in abusive ways so you can show this is their pattern of carrying out business. Should a non-profit continue to realize benefits if they are bullying and harassing people?
5-Here comes the hard part; if you keep being stonewalled or ignored, then as the amazing, wise Judge Mary Elizabeth Bullock stated on the videos we posted on twitter http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58XuDxUN-EQ sometimes in order to obtain justice, if possible, you need to sue. This should always be a last resort but know that it is a resort which may need to be utilized in order to obtain justice for not only yourself but for your precious, brainwashed children.
Sometimes when you have lost the most important things to you in life, it is easier to move forward and sue if necessary. For most reading this; we have lost our precious children to parental alienation as they no longer resemble the children we raised. As it is not their fault at all, they have become wrought with many of the expected problems of abused children with parental alienation syndrome.
*** It is just so heart wrenching especially when we think of what they must be going through too.
This is one of the reasons I decided to go on the Dr. Phil show because you get to a point where you need to bring attention to this abuse to help millions even if it is uncomfortable for yourself. This is also why I have come forth with some personal situations and I thank so many of your for contacting us to let us know how it has helped you. We are making a difference but we can’t stop.
Thus, if you find yourself in the position where you have to contact a supervisor or possibly sue; just think what more could anyone take away from you.
***As my wonderful Grandfather Ben taught me; if you let them take your good name you will have nothing because then will have lost your dignity and will be enveloped with shame for the rest of your life.
If an alienating, abusive parent or one aiding him or her agrees to try to rectify the situation, it is wise to test their true intent. I have discussed this with other parental alienation experts and psychologists; you must find their motive. I am going to use a very recent personal situation here which sums up this technique and all these points very clearly.
After the taping of the Dr. Phil show:
a. where my ex and his new wife said they encouraged reunification with my daughter and myself and therapy was arranged to take place in December during school vacation;
b. one of the directors said that he doubted therapy would be successful unless I took down my website on Parental Alienation.
c. Plus, we had some extra time so after the show so I said to my daughter, would you like to tell me some of the things you have been doing. She did not even have a chance to answer as her father, my ex, answered for her and said “no.” So my beautiful daughter, whom I feel so sorry for, just repeated the “no.”
This director heard the comment and I followed this occurrence up with an email to him and the December therapist so they understand the truth of the situation displayed by their actions not their words.
We know, actions speak louder than words.
This control problem where my ex talks for our adult children is the same problem we had before we got divorced. Since neither he nor my daughter have addressed this issue of control in therapy, it just continues as all the experts said to expect.
d. I talked to some experts after the taping of the show and I was told that the upcoming Jewish Holidays would be a real telltale sign to indicate the true intentions of my ex and his new wife. These Holidays are very similar in importance to Christmas. I was told that if they truly had an intention of promoting reunification; since both my daughter and ex said they have a wonderful relationship, it is reasonable that if he tried to help her make positive changes she would concur.
Accordingly, my ex knows that I view these holidays as important as we raised our children with Jewish values and teachings, especially me since I was the fulltime mother for 18 wonderful years. Again, my ex and daughter claimed on the show they were terrible but the photographs and other documentary evidence show happy children doing very healthy activities and being leaders in school, sports and other areas. You know it is a common strategy to distort reality and their memories.
*** Nothing is perfect but an environment where children thrive in many areas should speak for itself. Plus, there are many documents and photographs to support this.
If someone says the lie enough times, they actually begin to believe it. This is what a Revisionist does.
e. I was told that if my ex and his new wife really intended to promote reunification between myself and my daughter as they told Dr. Phil and many in the studio audience, that they would at least convinced my daughter, who is very smart and also told Dr. Phil she is in favor of reunification, send me an email or call me wishing me a nice holiday. Plus, I know my daughter and she has very good manners. I called or emailed all of my children so it would have been very logical for them to merely respond with kindness.
It would have taken her less than 30 seconds to send an email saying “Happy New Year.” Well, as predicted, I did not hear from my daughter or any of my children.
f. I was also told, if my ex and his new wife truly had the intention of reunification, I would have received a similar email or phone call from my sons too. As Dr. Phil said, he hopes the therapy will be successful and will lead to reunification with my sons too.
Well, if my ex and his new wife were really in favor of reunification, don’t you think they would have encouraged my sons to send a similar, short email to show they are embracing positive changes?
I am sure my ex and his new wife have some excuse but let’s be reasonable; people who want to accomplish something do not make excuses; especially a successful businessman who graduated from a very prestigious business school and knows how to accomplish many objectives. Was their real intention to try to make me remove the website to silence and control me while using my daughter as their pawn? What do the facts show?
g. I have also outlined for the Dr. Phil’s producers and the December therapist, acts my ex and his new wife will carry out to undermine the therapy so they cannot say I am terrible and this is why the therapy did not work. Professionally, I have been told and also experienced before how a controlling, abusive parent can undermine therapy. So, I put it all out on the table so when it happens, I can say see, these are typical behaviors of an alienating parent and those who aid him, like his new wife. So, we shall see but so far, they failed the first test which was the High Holiday one.
h. Thus, it will also be interesting to see if Dr. Phil’s director is right and the therapy will fail since I did not take down my website. This is just another means of silencing others which abusers try to do. We have a right to free speech and to unite to help others. Isn’t this what kind, empathetic people do?
As I explained to the director and others, if I took down my website then this would be setting a terrible precedent. As an adult, I would then have to check with my daughter every time I wanted to launch a website to see if she approves. Where is my free will and independence as an adult?
It is just another form of control. So, look for this too. It is also a common strategy called “transference” as the abusing parent still will try to control you but now through a child they control. It is so evil.
Beware of what I call the “Escape Route,” strategy where the alienating, abusive parent or those aiding him or her, will pretend to cooperate while the pressure is on them, but it is only an act or a show. New positive behaviors are not sustainable because they are not engaging with seriousness, if at all, in any therapy or program to address their control and other issues. So they are just acting like they are cooperating.
Also, have they removed themselves from their toxic environment and relinquished relationships with their old buddies who lied, cheated, bullied and schemed with them?
So, to protect yourself and help your abused children, you need to have a binding resolution where if they fail to act in the manner specifically outlined in the document; you have a right to sue and even put in there a “confessed judgment” and an “acceleration clause” with treble or punitive damages if this is legal in your state. You must have a document which leaves no room for any negotiations. It must read that if a, b and c happen then d, e and f will result. This is the only effective way, I have found to have any kind of diplomacy with lying, cheating, bullying, scheming narcissists who by nature lack empathy.
Don’t give up, you can do it!
-By Sara Hassman, Parental Alienation Solutions, Founder, www.PAlienation.org.