Making Children Feel Incapable so they are Extremely Dependent
Making children feel incapable so they are extremely dependent upon them is a very common strategy sick, abusive parents use to intentionally destroy the scared parent/child relationship usually at the time of divorce.
In other words, making the children feel so needy or guilty that they will allow this sick, evil parent to control them and actually become like his (her) slave.
First, this sick parent makes the children believe their other parent is dangerous and crazy by telling them lies, only part of the story, distorting their memories, intimidating them etc. (1)
Consequently, these emotionally abused children don’t want to have anything to do with their other parent who is the reasonable, kind, loving one. Thus, the only information they receive now is coming from this sick, evil parent, their sick, evil stepmother (stepfather) and other sick, evil people who are helping this sick, evil parent like clergy, therapists etc.
The children have SILENCED the truth by eliminating their loving parent because this is what their sick, evil, abusive parent has demanded and they think they NEED him (her) for their survival.
*** Now that the reasonable, caring and loving parent is “out of the way,” by this alienation, this sick parent can have his (or her) way and get the children to do what he wants NOW.
The alienated parent would never allow such things to go on because she (he) loves the children and does what is best for them. This sick parent just PRETENDS to do what is best for them because he is really using them and doing what is best for HIMSELF.
***Often the divorce occurred because this loving parent refused to agree to what this sick parent wanted as it was not best for the children.
***Once the children believe they need this sick parent for their emotional or financial survival, then this sick, abusive parent “betrays their trust” and destroys the sacred parent/child relationship with lies and plotting.
It gets worse for these precious children because now this sick parent uses the children as his (her) bargaining chip and the manipulation continues.
Also beware, the new stepmother (father) will do what this sick parent wants so the manipulation and emotional torture gets even worse for these precious children because they are now in a very abusive, sick environment with two sick, abusive adults. They are learning from two people detrimental, negative thought processes and behaviors and developing many emotional and other problems (1)
***We must stand as the voice of reason and justice as this is very important for our children to be able to draw a comparison.
***Once the children mature and are no longer in denial, many usually see the truth but they are riddled with guilt, insecurities, shame and many other problems that we, the loving parent must help them work through so they can reach their beautiful potentials and become emotionally and physically healthy independent individuals with freedom of thoughts and behaviors, not slaves. (This is very difficult for me to write as it is so evil, horrible and heartbreaking but important to understand).
How the sick, abusive, evil, alienating parent creates the extreme dependency, so the children think they need this parent for survival and will always feel like they must be a slave to him (her):
They do this in several steps:
- First, this sick parent makes the children feel insecure without them because he (she) strokes his (her) own ego reminding everyone how smart he (she) is and all his great accomplishments.
This sick parent does not REALLY want the children to reach their potential because then they will grow up as healthy, responsible, CONFIDENT, INDEPENDENT adults and will see how this sick, evil parent tried to control them and use them as his (her) bargaining chip to please himself financially and in other ways.
***Then they will alienate him (her) and return to the parent they are currently alienating who is loving, caring and reasonable. This sick, abusive parent just PRETENDS he wants the children to succeed.(will explain in the example below).This is also why the sick, alienating parent usually never agrees to family or reunification therapy since they don’t want the children to understand their schemes and manipulations. If they say they agree to the therapy, they don’t ACT like they do as their words are just more lies.
***Also, the children, if really allowed to reach their potential, will UNDERSTAND that they do not need to obey the demands of this sick parent anymore as they are very capable on their own. Thus, this sick parent will be left alone which is what he (she) fears. He is really a sick, emotionally disturbed coward who needs others around him to control in order to feel satisfied. Thus, he tries to make them dependent on him by holding them back and not allowing them to mature in a healthy manner.
For example: This sick parent may encourage the children to go to a very prestigious college telling them how important it is for them. However, this parent knows the children will not only have to spend decades trying to pay back the student loans, if they can even find a job but will also have to work while trying to keep up with their classes.
As a more reasonable alternative, the children could have gone to a more affordable state college that is not as prestigious. This sick parent wants to brag and pretend to the world how he (she) can afford to send the children to such a fine school while he sticks them with the student loans AND having to work while trying to keep up with their classes. This is not reasonable but again, these sick parents are usually narcissists and are not reasonable and only care about what is best for THEM not the children.
The loving, alienated parent was ridiculed for wanting the children to attend the state college and the children were even told their loving parent was lazy and did not want to work hard to help them to afford the prestigious college. This was a lie because the family could not afford the prestigious college for several children but the sick parent needed a SCAPEGOAT. The sick father told the children it was all due to their lazy mother that they have all these student loans and have to work too.
He could not tell the children it was due to some bad investments or his lack of success, the economy and that this was just not within the family budget. Period. Due to the sick father’s EGO, he has to pretend that he can afford more than he actually can and now lives in a lot of debt and so do the children. The divorced spouse would not support this. (Remember, alienating parents are usually narcissists and have other personality and emotional problems.)
I know of some sick, abusive parents who are afraid to be alone and need to make sure the children will always be there for him (her) so he makes the children feel GUILTY, if they disobey him. They especially do this to daughters because they want the daughter to take care of them till the day they die.
This sick parent says things like, I helped pay for your education and I helped you do this etc. This parent also bribes them by saying, unless you do this, I will not pay for what you want. Often, they have cheated the loving parent out of their fair share of the marital property so the children think they cannot look to their other parent for financial support.
This is how the sick, abusive parent keeps these children as SLAVES because he makes them think they are OBLIGATED to him (her) and NEED him (her).
***Children are not property and if a parent or anyone else chooses to pay for a child’s education or other things, the children are not to become their slaves. This is often hard for children to understand as this sick parent and possibly a stepmother (father) makes them feel so guilty.
***Any children reading this, don’t feel guilty or obligated, this is manipulation. A kind, caring, loving parent should be honored to do this and see you lead an independent life. Only a sick parent wants to control their children and demand that they do what they wish.
2. Second, this sick parent does not want the children to become independent so they can accomplish as much or more than they did.
***They have to remain the King or Queen and have a sick need for the children to always be DEPENDENT on them.
To accomplish this dependency, this sick parent purposely holds the children back by not allowing or encouraging them to do age appropriate things so they can become accomplished adults. Instead he tries to keep them as his inferior slaves in need.
For example; not allowing or encouraging the children to get their driver’s license when they are in their 20’s so they need this parent for transportation or have to be dependent on others. This also prevents an adult child from thinking like an adult because many adult activities, like opening bank accounts etc. require the identification of a driver’s license. Also, many jobs require a driver’s license.
These sick, abusive alienating parents and often a sick stepmother (father) are making these precious children extremely dependent on them which is a form of manipulation and control. They use money, debt, guilt, shame and lies so in reality, these children become their slaves. All this was planned as many experts have shown this is part of the scheming and plotting. (1)
These sick parents often try to control their spouse and others as this is their sickness. When a person cannot have a calm, respectful discussion and instead makes demands, gets angry, is unreasonable and doesn’t care how others feel; you know they have psychological, emotional and personality problems. Innocent, inexperienced children, which includes teens and adults do not know this and are very vulnerable so they are easy prey for this sick, evil alienating parent.
With our love and compassion, precious emotionally tortured children will realize they do not need to be dependent on their sick, abusive parent and stepmother (father) or become their slaves and obey their demands. They can learn to lead healthy, independent lives having freedom of thoughts and behaviors without feeling guilt or shame.
Note-These sick parents behave this same way in their adult relationships too. A smart, confident, compassionate spouse will not allow this. She (he) will divorce such a sick, usually narcissistic spouse who tries to control them, their thoughts and behaviors and gets very angry when they are “disobeyed.” This is abuse, not love or even kindness. These sick people need help and should by all means not be awarded custody of children.
I am hopeful with continued awareness and also news stories like today where it was reported that there was a shooting everyday this week at a college in the US; that those in Congress, Colleges, Schools, Clergy and others will be forced to address and no longer ignore the anger in so many of these children. It keeps getting worse and worse as more and more children are acting out their anger violently. They obviously need help as we are trying to be their voice and get them the help they need with programs which would give them understanding, compassion and help them heal.
If not I, then who?
(1)-Parental Alienation Solutions Background Page http://www.palienation.org/background/
-By Sara Hassman, Parental Alienation Solution, Founder, www.PAlienation.org