Why when You Control Others You Cannot Love. It is One or the Other.

Either you Control Others or You learn to love Others and Yourself too.

You can’t Love and Control Others too. It is one or the other as many psychologists, authors and others have shown.

You have to be able to TRUST people to act with their own free will; not FORCE them with acts of intimidation, harassment, fear and other acts of violence to follow your ideas and do what YOU want them to do.

Intimidating others so they are forced to give you attention and are fearful so they do what you want is what insecure people who have control issues do; often narcissists and also sociopaths.

Reasonable people accept and welcome the idea that adults have their own free will and ENCOURAGE them to develop their own philosophies by reading, going to shows, movies, lectures, talking to people etc.
Once they decide their basic values and basic ideas they believe in and support; then this develops their basic Character and their INDIVIDUALITY which makes them SPECIAL.

***Most people’s ideas change with new experiences but basic values of respect, kindness and honesty should not. This is the essence of their character and the boundaries reasonable people set.

If their ideas are harmful and corrupt then get away from them but; if they are just DIFFERENT from yours, you can each be ENRICHED by sharing your ideas.

This does not mean controlling someone so they think like you do, it means RESPECTING each other’s healthy but different ideas and enjoying great discussions and times together and blending your ideas, skills and talents to make great accomplishments.
Therefore, you can’t get angry with them or make fun of them or demean them behind their back if they disagree with you and refuse to do what you want to do.

This is their PREROGATIVE as everyone has free will and a reasonable person will respect this. (Again, I am not talking about those with corrupt and harmful ideas).

*****So, when you are able to TRUST others and NOT FEEL THREATENED by their INDEPENDENT ideas that are different from yours and you want to learn more about their thoughts and ideas then this is the beginning of a nice friendship.

A friendship and a relationship which becomes more than a friendship begin with TRUST and RESPECT. Then there also must be a WILLINGNESS to learn from each other and grow together learning new interesting and fun things.

***There also must be HONEST communication always.

If you ignore people’s feelings by trying to control them to get them to do what YOU want them to do even if they don’t want to or it is not in their best interest, this is treating them like property.
This is narcissistic because you will force them to do what you want them to do or destroy them or immobilize them. This is not politics or religion, this is abuse. You are ignoring their beautiful feelings too and kind, honest, compassionate people do not ignore others’ feelings.

***As Franz Kafka illustrates in his novel “The Trial,” reasonable and emotionally mature people get all the negative influences out of their life and also all those who control them.

As Kafka explains, if someone is controlled by another and you get involved with that person, these others will control YOU too.

This is why in Parental Alienation situations the alienated Mother (father) must be aware of TRANSFERENCE.

This is when the alienating Father uses the Children to try to control the Mother.

For example,
Judge Claudia Silbar ordered reunification therapy for myself with my youngest Son with therapist Alan Lieberman in Tustin, CA who did not practice safe haven therapy and did not keep our sessions confidential so my Son, which is totally understandable and I was so sorry we did not have an honest therapist, anyway, my Son was afraid to express his true feelings and you could tell by his comments, they were not age appropriate and that he was being told what to say.

I was in therapy myself at the time and it was decided it was best for my Son and also myself to end the sessions since they were not helpful and forcing my Son to be a puppet. Judge Claudia Silbar refused to agree to another therapist who practices safe haven therapy and keeps the sessions confidential so my Son would feel comfortable expressing HIS true feelings.

My daughter was forced after the Dr. Phil show to only accept the reunification therapy that Dr. Phil so graciously offered if I would remove my website. I knew this was unreasonable and also not age appropriate and I confirmed this with others too. If my website is helpful why should someone want me to take it down.

Also, be careful of the precedent you are setting. If I did take down my website then does this mean every time I want to have a website or do something else I have to get my daughter’s approval first or she will be angry about something?
My ex-husband again was trying to control me through our Children with is pathetic but common for alienating parents as many experts have shown. This is called transference.

People need to have freedom to do as they please and those who want to prohibit this have control problems and need to resolve them so they can be happy with THEMSELVES and stop trying to control others thinking this is love. It is abuse.

Once you accept the idea that YOU AND OTHERS have free will and you co-exist doing as each pleases and enriching each other without trying to control and force them to do what you want but; instead are comfortable letting them decide what THEY want to do; then your heart is open to have wonderful friendships and love another.

You want people to feel comfortable expressing their true feelings and for you too to also feel comfortable expressing your true feelings. You don’t want to just REPEAT what you have been taught when it is meaningless and may even be destructive because you have not taken the time to think about what you believe and new things you want to learn.

You can begin to trust others with little things and then see how things go. Also, focus on those you have a common interest with.

Remember; Trust, Respect and Honest Communication must be part of every wonderful relationship, including those with your family members and business associates.

Don’t forget to set your boundaries too so you are not taken advantage of, upset or get sick. This is all part of becoming an emotionally mature adult and can be fun as well as enriching. You will learn a lot about yourself too.

-By Sara Hassman, Parental Alienation Solutions, Founder; www.PAlienation.org

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